Empathy and Emotional Numbing Don't Get Along

Three Concepts to Help Us Fill The Gap

Empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and experiencing the feelings and thoughts of another. It’s the latter part of this definition that’s commonly missing for those of us who numb, “…experiencing the feelings and thoughts of another.” In many ways, any attempt at empathy is crushed by the weight of our numbing. We understand cognitively that someone is sad or joyful, but we don’t feel sad or joyful with them. This ability to feel with others is often referred to as emotional or affective empathy, and emotional numbing reduces this type of empathy.

How can we develop emotional empathy? And why do we need to? Fortunately, numerous credible and helpful “how-to” guides can be found online. The advice found in these guides typically involves tools for active listening, curiosity, and validation, among others. The concepts related to empathy are wide and varied, so I’ve chosen a few to focus on here that are poignant for those of us who numb.

Concept 1: Practice sympathy. Sympathy is the ability to feel for someone, compared to empathy, where we can feel with someone. Unfortunately, the current empathy movement has unfairly targeted sympathy, portraying sympathy as disingenuous or less critical than empathy. I think we’re getting this one wrong. From my perspective, practicing sympathy is a valuable companion and a necessary step toward practicing empathy. Additionally, sympathy is more easily practiced by those of us who’ve numbed and helps develop our emotional maturity. Think of sympathy as the appetizer to the main course of empathy. It preps our emotional palate and makes the main course more complete.

Genuine sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult or painful. Sympathy is an act of kindness and evokes genuine emotions within us, even if it’s not a shared emotion with the person being sympathized with. Feeling any genuine emotion in the context of another’s pain or suffering opens the door for us to learn to feel with others. It’s where we begin developing emotional intimacy.

This is why it’s so troubling to realize that as a society, we’re collectively losing our sympathy. In an age where we scroll past tragedy in a matter of seconds, it’s becoming harder to linger long enough to even feel sympathy. In a way, it’s protective because we cannot absorb the weight of every tragedy in our worldwide, twenty-four-hour news cycle. Yet it’s the very speed and convenience of our digital lives that can desensitize us to pain and suffering. Choosing to pause to feel for someone has become a radical act of resistance against the numbing undercurrent of constant, tragic news.

Concept 2: Practice interoception. Interoception refers to the process of sensing things within our bodies. Just as perception helps us sense the world around us, interoception is how we sense what’s inside us, like how an emotion feels physically. One of the most helpful ways to practice interoception is through mindfulness activities, which are carefully crafted to develop our interoception and are key to this type of emotional self-awareness.

But how does interoception contribute to our ability to experience empathy? The more aware we are of what we’re experiencing, the better we can take the perspective of others, a key skill of empathy often referred to as “perspective taking.” Perspective taking is the proverbial “walking a mile in their shoes” idea. It matures the emotional intimacy of our relationships. Yet our ability to recognize and experience what others are feeling is limited if we can’t recognize and experience what we’re feeling ourselves. Evidence, yet again, highlighting why numbing can be so challenging for emotional intimacy.

When our interoception is tuned, we’ll find that we’re feeling with others more than we realize.

Concept 3: Take compassionate action. One consequence of emotional numbing is apathy toward both ourselves and others. In contrast, experiencing the full range of emotions and regulating them leads to empathy toward ourselves and others. Apathy and empathy are opposites.

Where does compassion fit in with this?

Compassion is active, action-oriented. When we act on our sympathetic or empathetic feelings to relieve the pain and suffering of someone else, we show compassion. Compassion brings meaning to our lives as we focus outside of ourselves while simultaneously counterbalancing the isolation that comes with numbing. In other words, compassion is a virtuous cycle. When we act compassionately, we contribute to our community while simultaneously reducing our numbing. This act, in turn, then drives additional motivation to act compassionately. Nice, right?

Interestingly, we don’t have to wait to develop empathy to act compassionately. We can choose to relieve pain and suffering before we feel empathy for the specific person we are serving. Sympathy can drive us to act compassionately for people we may not even know, let alone feel emotions with. We’re motivated to act compassionately because we sympathize with their pain and suffering.

We don’t have to look far to find pain and suffering. We’re surrounded by it. We’re placed in the path of friends and strangers alike, and along that path, we have opportunities to ease the burden of others—to offer compassion. We can respond by acting, even in small ways. It’s not about fixing; it’s about doing what we can, where we are, with what we have. When we extend compassion, whether motivated by sympathy or empathy, we help mend human suffering, one act at a time.

Community service is a great two-for-one opportunity. It gives us the chance to act on our compassion and engage in a common-interest community.

As valuable as organized service may be, the spontaneous, organic acts of compassion can often be the most transformative for us and those we serve. I regularly tell people, “I learned how to love through Christy’s (my wife) example.” Look carefully at the wording. I didn’t say that I learned to love. I learned how to love, meaning I learned ways I could better show my love to others. One of those ways was through Christy’s love of service.

Christy is a master at connecting with others, but her connection superpower is actually compassionate service. Watching her over the years, I’ve noticed three consistent things about how she connects with others–she shows up, she serves, and she listens.

Showing up takes time and sacrifice. It’s rarely convenient, and Christy is usually giving up something pleasurable to show up for someone. Of course, sacrifice can be overdone to the point of depleting your own self. I’d even suggest that excessive sacrifice could be used as a numbing technique. But Christy has found the right balance. She’s taught me how to show up even when it’s a sacrifice. And I’ve learned that I never regret showing up. Ever.

Service doesn’t always have to be big to be compassionate. Sometimes, small acts of kindness can have an outsized impact. It can be as simple as providing a little help on a work project, giving a thoughtful gift, or doing a household chore for someone. Service sends a clear message of empathy. Service says, “I see you. I feel you. I’m here for you.”

One of the most compassionate ways that Christy serves is by listening. Active listening is a hallmark of acting on our sympathy and empathy. When we’re more interested in listening than responding, we approach our conversations differently. Listening is compassionate as we give space and a place for others to feel and express their emotions. Our willingness and ability to hold space for those emotions, withhold judgment, and to simply offer support is a compassionate act.

Show up. Serve. And listen.

The effort to develop the skills Christy taught is worth it. Because compassion is integral to attune with others’ emotions, it will require us to develop the emotional maturity to recognize and act on what we feel. But the benefit to us and those around us is amazing. We enjoy a deep sense of connection, attunement with another human being, and rich emotional intimacy. I feel fortunate to have been surrounded by people who’ve shown me compassion on my journey to feel again.

Question for Readers: I’d love to hear your perspective. Do you think sympathy has been devalued? Why or why not? What’s the role of compassion in your relationships? Where does it show up? Share something in the comments or on social media.

Author’s Note: My forthcoming book Numb: Learning to Feel in a Disconnected World addresses the topic of this article. The book is a compilation of research on emotional numbing, my personal experiences with learning how to feel again, the stories of Saprea clients who’ve overcome numbing their trauma, some pop culture, and a few jokes along the way.

Endnotes
Empathy is the action of understanding (p.###): Empathy.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy. Accessed November 5, 2025.

This ability to feel with others (p.###): Lauren M. Sippel, Laura E. Watkins, Robert H. Pietrzak, Rani Hoff, and Ilan Harpaz-Rotem, “The Unique Roles of Emotional Numbing and Arousal Symptoms in Relation to Social Connectedness Among Military Veterans in Residential Treatment for PTSD,” Psychiatry (2018), https://doi.org/10.1080/00332747.2017.1395313

Monica Mazza, Daniela Tempesta, Maria Chiara Pino, Anna Nigri, Alessia Catalucci, Veronica Guadagni, Massimo Gallucci, Giuseppe Iaria, and Michele Ferrara, “Neural Activity Related to Cognitive and Emotional Empathy in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Behavioural Brain Research (2014), https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2014.12.049

Image created by